i think you're supposed to you don't get over losing anyone, Nico you learn to live with it that's all remembering them is important
[ and you learn to do your best not to lose anyone else ever again because that's all there is. that slim hope that next time, you can stop it from happening in time. ]
yeah, she is i met her recently i'll get in touch with her for you and see if they're hiring
[ even typing out the word tartarus is too much. ]
when i can't sleep that's the worst you always seem so strong you and annabeth both.
[ and he knows it's not just one or the other. it's the two of them together that make such a strong unit. whereas he only has himself. it's not easy fighting off the return of bitterness without will there to keep him in check. ]
[ on the nights when Annabeth is blind and thinks that he abandoned her, that he remembers all the people he really turned his back on. when he knows there are no lines left for him to cross because he's used his powers for the wrong reasons - to survive, yes - but in ways they were never meant to be used. he wonders what on nights when means for Nico. what he's gone through, whatever he's endured in Tartarus on his own. he doesn't have it in him to ask yet, as much as he wants to, he doesn't want any one of them to have to relive their time there. ]
we're strong because we have to be we've always had to be and because we have each other if we stop doing that and we stop moving then the gods and monsters win there's nothing worse than that
[ after Bianca and before Hazel, Nico hasn't had anyone to lean on. he's never sat and thought about that before and it's something he feels guilty for. not that Nico had been reachable to begin with - into the labyrinth, then into the Underworld, then he'd been godnapped. but still. someone should have thought about Nico. someone at camp should've tried. ]
you can come to me on those nights both of us or just Annabeth or just me we both get it
[ it's partly nico's fault, he thinks, blindly and arrogantly charging into tartarus believing he could save the day by closing the doors of death and maybe garner percy's attention. like how he'd selfishly wanted percy to bathe in the styx, ensuring percy's survival. as a result, he's felt he has to face the nightmares and flashbacks on his own.
will had helped some, soothed away a few of the nightmares. but will could never understand what he saw down there. annabeth and percy can't really either, not having seen the reality of tartarus like he had as a child of hades. however, they know better than anyone else. something in nico aches to be near them because of that. ]
yeah if there's anyone who gets it, it's you guys. i wish you hadn't had to face it though i should've been stronger i should've been able to pull you both up.
[ on the nights when the arais haunt his mind, this is what he's reminded of. his failure and percy's suffering as a result.
(and here, still, he tells himself that percy doesn't matter that much to him anymore. what a joke.) ]
[ that's the thing though, outside of the initial binding of prophecies, he doesn't get roped into anything he doesn't want to do. running to Annabeth, sliding in after her, he doesn't replay it in his head anymore. there's no other way it could've gone down. honestly, with their track record, he should've seen it coming. he sure as heck doesn't blame Nico for any of that. he'd do it again now, knowing what's waiting for him, he'd still follow Annabeth anywhere. ]
you're forgetting something i'm the one that let go i didn't slip out of your grasp you were way above us and there was no way you or Hazel could have climbed down without falling in with us
i let go of that ledge because i didn't want to be without Annabeth because i made a promise to her when we found each other again and someone had to close the doors from the other side it was selfish but it was about the rest of you too in a way it doesn't have to be you, you know always thinking about everyone
[ he's never followed percy as much as percy follows annabeth, because he's always clung to the shadows, half ashamed of his feelings for the sea's favored son. and maybe that's why annabeth had earned percy's love (though that's a lie and nico knows it; he knows he's deluding himself if he thinks he ever had a chance.) but nico has sacrificed for love so he knows just how selfless and selfish it can be.
he wants to argue about all the way things could've been different. about how he could've pushed himself and shadow traveled to catch them, could have gone down with them and led the way, could have reached a little farther but he knows it's useless. the past cannot be changed. ]
you're an idiot, percy jackson, if you thought i was thinking about everyone i was selfish too. i always have been.
my bad i guess thinking of someone else first doesn't make you very noble
[ he knows what Nico's getting at now. he feels embarrassed still to not have noticed sooner. or maybe it's being called an idiot that makes him red in the face. being called out is not his favorite past time. add it to the skip list. as far as guilt goes, he knows he can't absolve Nico of the responsibility he feels. in some ways, the two of them have much in common and that's one of them. ]
it's a big deal if you can't remember anything else after a nightmare, remember that we got out
of course not not when you do it because you want that person to notice you but that doesn't matter anymore. like you said, you got out. i got out. i'm past all that.
[ a bald face lie. he's not past it and with each new day being so close to percy, he realizes that he maybe isn't as over percy as he originally thought. maybe living with him (and annabeth) might not be the best idea. but he's being selfish again, wanting to be near the only other people who understand a little about what it's like to be him. ]
i don't believe that i mean yeah it was a part of it but that doesn't change that you're a good person you think i haven't done the wrong thing for the right reasons? or the right thing for the wrong reasons? because i have over and over again we all want someone to notice us mortal or immortal and i know you are i'm not trying to dig anything up you have Will i'm glad that the two of you found each other
[ he's making an effort to really get to know Nico is all. what motivates him, what makes him want to hold on, what makes him happy. things like that. ]
i'll let you know when we find a place, okay? you can pop by and give us a yay or nay
[ that reference will just fly right over his head. ]
what i meant was that i don't mind whatever apartment or house or whatever we get but it's good to know i won't be shoved back in the closet coming out of it was hard enough.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
you don't get over losing anyone, Nico
you learn to live with it that's all
remembering them is important
[ and you learn to do your best not to lose anyone else ever again because that's all there is. that slim hope that next time, you can stop it from happening in time. ]
yeah, she is
i met her recently
i'll get in touch with her for you and see if they're hiring
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
on the nights when
[ even typing out the word tartarus is too much. ]
when i can't sleep
that's the worst
you always seem so strong
you and annabeth both.
[ and he knows it's not just one or the other. it's the two of them together that make such a strong unit. whereas he only has himself. it's not easy fighting off the return of bitterness without will there to keep him in check. ]
thanks, percy.
that'll be a big help.
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
we're strong because we have to be
we've always had to be
and because we have each other
if we stop doing that and we stop moving
then the gods and monsters win
there's nothing worse than that
[ after Bianca and before Hazel, Nico hasn't had anyone to lean on. he's never sat and thought about that before and it's something he feels guilty for. not that Nico had been reachable to begin with - into the labyrinth, then into the Underworld, then he'd been godnapped. but still. someone should have thought about Nico. someone at camp should've tried. ]
you can come to me on those nights
both of us
or just Annabeth
or just me
we both get it
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
will had helped some, soothed away a few of the nightmares. but will could never understand what he saw down there. annabeth and percy can't really either, not having seen the reality of tartarus like he had as a child of hades. however, they know better than anyone else. something in nico aches to be near them because of that. ]
yeah if there's anyone who gets it, it's you guys.
i wish you hadn't had to face it though
i should've been stronger
i should've been able to pull you both up.
[ on the nights when the arais haunt his mind, this is what he's reminded of. his failure and percy's suffering as a result.
(and here, still, he tells himself that percy doesn't matter that much to him anymore. what a joke.) ]
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
you're forgetting something
i'm the one that let go
i didn't slip out of your grasp
you were way above us and there was no way you or Hazel could have climbed down without falling in with us
i let go of that ledge because i didn't want to be without Annabeth
because i made a promise to her when we found each other again
and someone had to close the doors from the other side
it was selfish
but it was about the rest of you too in a way
it doesn't have to be you, you know
always thinking about everyone
the point is we all survived
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
he wants to argue about all the way things could've been different. about how he could've pushed himself and shadow traveled to catch them, could have gone down with them and led the way, could have reached a little farther but he knows it's useless. the past cannot be changed. ]
you're an idiot, percy jackson, if you thought i was thinking about everyone
i was selfish too. i always have been.
but yes. either way, we survived.
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
i guess thinking of someone else first doesn't make you very noble
[ he knows what Nico's getting at now. he feels embarrassed still to not have noticed sooner. or maybe it's being called an idiot that makes him red in the face. being called out is not his favorite past time. add it to the skip list. as far as guilt goes, he knows he can't absolve Nico of the responsibility he feels. in some ways, the two of them have much in common and that's one of them. ]
it's a big deal
if you can't remember anything else after a nightmare, remember that
we got out
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
not when you do it because you want that person to notice you
but that doesn't matter anymore.
like you said, you got out.
i got out.
i'm past all that.
[ a bald face lie. he's not past it and with each new day being so close to percy, he realizes that he maybe isn't as over percy as he originally thought. maybe living with him (and annabeth) might not be the best idea. but he's being selfish again, wanting to be near the only other people who understand a little about what it's like to be him. ]
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
i mean yeah it was a part of it
but that doesn't change that you're a good person
you think i haven't done the wrong thing for the right reasons?
or the right thing for the wrong reasons?
because i have
over and over again
we all want someone to notice us
mortal or immortal
and i know you are
i'm not trying to dig anything up
you have Will
i'm glad that the two of you found each other
[ he's making an effort to really get to know Nico is all. what motivates him, what makes him want to hold on, what makes him happy. things like that. ]
i'll let you know when we find a place, okay?
you can pop by and give us a yay or nay
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
i'm sure whatever you guys pick out will be fine.
i don't need much
i've gone without a bed and room plenty of times.
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
you're getting a room
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
what i meant was that i don't mind whatever apartment
or house or whatever we get
but it's good to know i won't be shoved back in the closet
coming out of it was hard enough.
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
not what i meant
nobody wants to put you back in there
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
not the closet that is
i don't think you've ever even seen the inside
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
but no
i've never walked into, been around, or been in the closet
or any closet related activities
[ what......is......this conversation? ]
( ᴛᴇxᴛ )
obviously.
i mean, with annabeth around i'm sure
when you two finally get hitched,
i'll ask my step-mom to do the flower arrangements
;)